Birthday Wishes

One Sunday, a church was recognizing the birthday of one of their oldest members, and old maid school teacher named Mrs. Burns. They called her to the front, sang "Happy Birthday," and then the pastor said: "Now, Eloise, in honor of your 75th birthday, we'd like you to choose the next three hymns."

The elderly woman's face lit up with a smile as she said: "Oh, boy! I've always wanted to do this!" She then pointed to several men in the congregation as she said: "I'll take him and him and HIM!"

Dick Dye, May 29, 2005

But Officer...

A man was pulled over by a traffic cop. The officer looked at his driver's license and said: "Sir, this license says that you should be wearing corrective lenses to be driving. Where are they?" The driver replied, "But officer, I have contacts..." The cop quickly retorted: "I don't care who you know, you have to be wearing corrective lenses!"

(told to me today by Dick Dye)

To Find True Beauty...

I you want to know what true beauty is like, you have to go to a bee farm. When the beekeeper is holding the queen bee in his hands, lean in and look deeply into his eyes. Because...

True beauty is in the eyes of the BEE-holder!

(told to me today by my father-in-law, Dr. Dick Thomae)

Herds and Words

A herd of buffalo was running across the open prairie, when suddenly the lead buffalo stopped suddenly. "What's wrong? What's wrong!?," all the buffalo called out. He replied, "I just thought I heard a discouraging word."

[The punchline of this joke comes from a timeless song called "Home on the Range" that has become the state song of Kansas. The chorus is printed below. For more words, click here.]

Home, home on the range,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

(Dick Dye)

The Compliment

"I'm so nervous about my first date. What can I say?"
"You just have to find something to compliment her about so that she won't be nervous."
"Okay, I'll try."

(After the date...)
"So, how did it go?"
"It went alright..."
"So, what happened? Did you compliment her like I said?"
"Yeah...."
"Well, what did you say?"
"I said: 'For a fat girl, you don't sweat much!'"

(from Dick Dye--again!)

It Helps a Bit...

"Yep, I drink about 17 cups of coffee a day."
"Boy, doesn't that keep you awake?"
"Well, it helps a little bit during the day..."

(heard tonight from the lips of Dick Dye, missionary to Mexico since 1970)